bleedinghiphop

it's pretty clear im not happy with the person im with. at first i questioned whether i was being too picky or was being inconsiderate, but i think now that i will just never be able to trust her again. it's just sad that she can't be honest. i guess i really can't say anymore than that. its sad cuz i think im beginning to despise her. maybe im wrong. i admit im pretty confused. i feel like im getting played, and this girl has no reason to be playing me. maybe im just getting some confidence back. hope so. im sick of feeling like im pushing all my friends away.

It's ironic how since ive started this journal, ive had days where ive had to refrain from spamming entries, hours apart, only to end up not posting the whole day... and as of late, the days fly by crazily and my intentions to jot down thoughts never come to fruition. just goes to show how out of wack my life has become lately.

but that was one of the purposes of this to begin with. so here's me sticking to my guns. reading this entry as i type is extremely frustrating, as i hate the lack of capitalization.. but i am posting thru my phone, in bed, in the dark, on another night that im having issues sleeping.

today was rather erratic for me. i had a probation meeting to which i was late to due to my supposed significant other staying out all night. i guess im being a bitch about things considering something like that would never have bothered me before, but i have serious questions about this girls fidelity as of late. in short, i feel as if im being strung along, even played, and i dont like it one bit.

probation is such a pain in my ass. i mean, i guess if i lived a kosher, normal life, probation wouldnt mean shit cuz theres no real chance of getting in trouble, but for some reason im realizing i associate with many "criminal minded" elements, persay. i mean even down to the mellow potheads that are lacking their med cards, down to the pill poppin theives... i dunno.. i question how i got so immersed in this world of drugs, and i kinda wish i had some sober friends.. but it seems like the current generation is a bunch of hopeful badasses, and drugs and illegal bullshit is cool. james dean had it easy. he was badass defying social norm. now, defying social norm probably labels you a nerd. lol

spent the day at the beach... was a nice low 80s day here in huntington beach, california. the beach was packed, and has clearly become my new favorite place to people watch next to outdoor malls and airports. i thoroughly enjoyed basking in the sun, letting the heat melt away any issues i may have had running thru my mind.. somewhat annoyed my arms, legs and face are so much darker than my abdomen tho. bleh.

when we were leaving the beach i dunno what happened to me.. the water had caused some sort of reaction to my body.. my skin felt irritated beyond goosebumps and my fingers and toes seemed swollen to the point of being immovable. the muscles on my forearms and legs felt constricted and i became very short of breath... upon standing, i felt a sudden rush of nausea and tension in my temples as my eye sight blurred, as if the world was cast in a canary yellowish spotlight... my focus narrowed to a small rectangular area in front of me as the rest faded in a blurred yellow, and the obvious strain made my eyes twitch.. i couldnt get up for a while after losing my balance.. being stubborn and stupid, i tried to fight thru it and forced myself to walk thru the 100yards of sand to the car.. what a mission!! i had to hold onto kaylee 2x, stumbled the whole way, clearly not having control of my balance. it was crazy! i tried drinking water but i wasnt dehydrated. a few minutes of breathing air out of the moving car window and i was fine. body was shaky and weak.. this is the 2nd time this has happened in the last 9 months.. first time i completely lost all my vision to that yellow light had no balance, but didnt feel dizzy at all. and that was in the morning, just standing in the kitchen talking..

i wasnt so scared as much as i was pissed i couldnt control myself. im told it was a panic attack but i have no idea what is triggering that in me.

as if my life wasnt complicated enough as it is.. lol

Is painful. Reminds me of the crap that wouldn't let me sleep in the first place still has to be dealt with. Like why I'm letting this chick stick around. I'm just retarded. Don't even know why I let her move in after all the claims of falling out of love and no longer being attracted. I'm a glutton for punishment. Clearly my social life is a smorgasboard of illogical relationships and fatal attractions. I feel like a modern day Sisyphus, where hope is always dashed at the last minute with the rock rollin down the fuckin hill again. /sigh

So starting this journal was my first step towards sanity and a semblance of normality... I've been on a seriously destructive downward spiral and the crazy thoughts jumbled in my head have seriously been driving me insane. Lost in my thoughts I can't help but feel alone in this world.. eventho I have a live-in girlfriend and my daughter with me daily. Life sure is ironic that way... just last summer I thought I was living the life I wanted... parties every night, insanely hot women wanting my attention, more money than I really knew what to do with.. it was lunacy! And of course I took everything for granted, neglected important people... stupidly got caught up in a very dangerous world I had no reason being in. There were numerous occasions I was scared for my life... super sketch moments that revealed the worst sides of humanity... and really the biggest life lesson I pulled from the few years of debauchery is this: Drugs are fucking evil.

All the accomplishments I thought I had through the years of hardship was all thrown away and forgotten. And wouldn't u know it, all this spare time I have, I realize that outside the material loss, I lost far more... I lost myself... hopefully this journal won't be too much of a pity party.

October 2, 2008 I was arrested for suspicion of dui (which I wasn't). In reality I was pulled over at 3am with a girl in my car that had a pocketful of acid. Also in the car was found a small baggy and vial of cocaine. Spent a few days in jail, girl got off scott free, and with luck, I got a plea bargain of 60 days jail (converted into a work program), 3mo drug and narcotics class, and 3yrs formal probation. I dodged the bullet of 3yrs prison 7yrs probation thanks to my attorney, who happened to be the ex-district attorney in the court, and an alumni at my high school. In wa lot of ways I feel I got lucky when I really didn't deserve it. I figured life was just telling me to slow the fuck down... I got the message... trust me. But I digress, this must look horrible out of context, so ill back it up a bit. Hopefully catch myself up wit recollections, maybe making the daily rants more comprehendable.

As u can tell my mind is very tossed about, hence this journal.. my attempt to organize and progress forth.. bear with me. I'm in a new apartment without internet so all these posts have been via my G1. Love the phone, hate its limitations. Such is life, eh? But I'm already feeling better with the start of this process. Hurray for small progress ;)

Ok here we go...

This is my 3rd lj now... had one for 5 years, madryno, that chronicled from 2002 til almost 2008, and all my misadventures getting my kids from foster care after their mother, unbeknownst to me, abandoned their custody to the state... my rise up the corporate ladder... daily life and qualms of single-fatherhood... and my lame attempts at a social life. That life, as well as the journal is long deleted and purged...

My 2nd journal was anonymous, containing random meandering, poetry, short stories... well that's gone too.. some of it was brash.. dirty.. kooky... but it was another life... and for some reason someone actually bought the old name, so more power to them... and hence this journal emerged. Actually, i'd been wanting to jot down thoughts for a long while.. life has sure changed since the last time I've had time to really sit and contemplate my day. I had aspirations to blog them, but for some reason I don't feel comfortable airing my issues in blog format.

So here's my go again at lj. It's kinda exhilarating knowing my thoughts are out there, open for the world to discover, but in reality I just need to vent my brain. I think way too much for my own good, and it's been my blessing and curse for sure... anyways, that's my cherry popper. On to the randomness...